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RARE AND VALUABLE THINGS I OWN

Over the years I have accumulated some things that might be of interest to others. I admit, they are of a peculiar nature, but that is why I have collected them. Certain items can't have a price put on them. I've included detailed descriptions with each. I hope you can learn something from all this, because smarts is good.

God's Ruler

This is the sort of lost history I love to stumble across. Not much has been written about God as a child, but now we know a bit more. I acquired this artifact in a small shop in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. The manager thought it said "property of Goody", but I knew the scoop. After many tests trying to date the piece, utilizing the best in modern technology and figuring the half lifes of rare elements and such, it was found to be ETERNAL! I am certain this is the ruler of God when he was in school becoming a Supreme Being. I remember when I was a child that I too wrote my name on the back of my ruler. It's comforting to know that God also did. Now, my only question is, when did he stop calling himself Goddy and just go with the more adult God? Whenever that might have been, I'd say this little gem is priceless.

The Not So Mighty Pen

In this day and age it's quite difficult to come across an angry man wielding a sword. Somehow, I managed to do so and was forced to defend myself. Utilizing my quick wits, I recalled the old saying "the pen is mightier than the sword". As luck would have it, I had a pen on me and prepared to teach this rapscallion a lesson he'd soon not forget. Unfortunately, I was to learn a valuable lesson myself. You see, I'm not sure who said such a stupid thing, but let me tell you, in a duel, the pen is most certainly not mightier than the sword. In fact, it sucks. I managed to fend off his attacks a few times with said pen, till it split open like a termite infested tree struck by lightning. Fortunately I had on my runnin' shoes, so I high tailed it out of there and kept the pen as a grim reminder that we can't believe everything we read. No real value, but can one put a price on wisdom?

Stone Of David

We all know the story of David and Goliath. Kid with rock brains freak. Well, not everyone knows the whole story. Before he felled the tall guy, David actually hid behind an old woman in the crowd and threw this rock (pictured above) at Goliath. Unfortunately, it missed and struck an innocent bystander. I was fortunate enough to come across this amazing artifact while in a Tibetan monastery. It was in a display next to a mummified Yeti hand and an autographed picture of Henry Winkler as Fonzie(???). Anyhoo, I overstayed my welcome and eventually became known as The Blue Eyed Devil. The Stone Of David was offered to me in trade if I'd vacate the premises, Pronto! I was only too happy to oblige. I'm not sure what this is worth, but it's got to be quite a lot.

Tock Tick Clock

A truly amazing device, but where I got it shall remain a mystery due to it's immense power. The only clock I know of that, instead of going Tick-Tock-Tick-Tock goes Tock-Tick-Tock-Tick. A backwards ticking clock! Insidiously devious in it's subtle design, seems completely mundane, yet the effect can be staggering. For some reason, the Tock-Tick effect on people can be powerful, causing most to act in reverse ways without knowing it. Symptoms such as rinsing their mouths out and then brushing their teeth or eating apple pie before the hamburger are quite common! Quickly disrupts speech patterns turning simple sentences like "Hi how are you?" into less likely queries of "You are how hi?" Needless to say, the clock must be used with discretion or the very fabric of our civilization could be undermined and ultimately destroyed. Thus, I keep it locked away, a Pandora's Box of sorts, and it's value is incalculable. The name of the mad genius who made it is still unknown.

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